Ladies, Quit Berating Your Body!
“My breasts are saggy, my thighs covered in cellulite, my ass is droopy, and my stomach looks like I’m perpetually pregnant.” Seriously, this, THIS, is what women talk about when we’re together? Distress and anguish quickly turn to identifiable solutions - cleanses, detoxes, and workouts that are “sure to be the fix” to this newsworthy conundrum.
How to be Good Enough
Learning how to believe I’m good enough still feels like walking on a tightrope. Each step is calculated and timid. Fearing the fall into the dark abyss of my past, I move cautiously. Breath held, hands shaking, arms outstretched for balance as I try not to look down. When can I relax, breathe, and trust in myself that all will be well? When will I float above the tightrope with the grace of a ballerina, light on her toes?
A Story of a Hopeful Heart
If comparisons are the thief of joy, I wonder if depression is the thief of hope. Hope. Such a tiny a little word, yet in its absence it leaves such large gaping holes. Sometimes we search for hope, and despite our most valiant efforts, it’s nowhere to be found. And then, almost as mysteriously as when it left, it returns, filling in the gaps as though it had never left.
What Does Recovery Look Like to You?
If someone had asked me what recovery looked like to me when wrapped in the cocoon of my eating disorder, I would have likely told them to leave me alone - Exorcist-style (head spinning and projectile vomiting). However, tucked gently in the folds of that cocoon, was a part of myself who had big plans for my life before I got hijacked by the eating disorder.
Envy As a Guidepost
Have you ever been hijacked by envy? I created the term, envy hijacking, because apparently the half comatose individual that wrote Webster’s definition was so sedated they hadn’t ever actually truly experienced envy. Webster’s version goes like this (insert British accent): painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another, joined with a desire to possess the same advantage. What? If you didn’t just pop three Xanax, envy feels more like rage, terror, or complete and utter disbelief.
7 Ways to Find Your Tribe & Ditch Loneliness
Vulnerability: Too Much, Not Enough, or Just Right
Thanks to Dr. Brene Brown's 2010 TED talk, The Power of Vulnerability, there is a movement in our culture to embrace vulnerability, "whole-heartedly," as Brene would say. Her talk is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world. Brene is a brilliant researcher and author of many bestselling books. She has the unique ability to synthesize and share her research findings in a way that is relatable and empowering.
My Untold Story
My clients know I'm recovered. Once comfortable enough, some will ask me, "Are you triggered by your clients’ eating disorder behaviors?" It's a good and fair question, and my answer is not normally, or if I am, it is merely so superficial it's just a little blip. I'm not immune to being triggered, but the eating disorder symptoms, as is true for all of us with this illness, were merely ways to protect myself from what was underneath.
Controlled by Exercise: The Distance Between Self-Harm & Self-Care
“Strong is the new skinny.” “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” “Suck it up now and you won’t have to suck it in later.” Sound familiar? You can’t spend five minutes on Pinterest or any form of social media without seeing these catchy little quotes layered on top of images of whatever the latest absurd mandate is to be considered beautiful or sexy...
Reclaiming Yourself When Lost
In this lifetime you will lose yourself, again and again. You will lose yourself in your work, your role as a parent, spouse, or caregiver. You may lose yourself to an illness, a substance, or an abusive relationship. When you lose someone you love, whether that’s due to a break-up, divorce, or death, you lose parts of yourself too...
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Sickest of Them All?
There is a disturbing tendency amongst individuals with eating disorders to compare their illness to another’s. It’s the worst kind of competition ‘of them all’ and sounds like this: “What’s your lowest weight? How many hospitalizations have you had? How many calories do you consume? How often do you workout and for how long?” The most pressing question in this game of who is the most sick: “What type of eating disorder do you have?
Soul Sadness
It’s been quite a week for me - I had an unexpected visitor. I know when soul sadness shows up immediately; I’m engulfed by a hollow emptiness. A knot is embedded in the lining of my stomach, along with an inability to catch my breath and tears that fall without warning. Advance notice is not provided when soul sadness visits; it just bursts into my home, uninvited and in the past unwelcomed and numbed by the eating disorder that later followed in its footsteps. The duration of the stay is uncertain and often variable - no notable rhythm or pattern evident...
Suffering in Silence – Until…
Dreams Held Hostage
Between now and next week, draw a picture of your experience of having an eating disorder,” I request - a standard therapeutic assignment. My client’s are some of the brightest, most artistic, lovely creatures in the universe. Although incredibly unique individuals they often return with similar images - themselves imprisoned...
Stages of Eating Disorder Recovery: Early, Middle & Rockin’ It
It’s o-dark-thirty here at my house. I go to bed embarrassingly early (my kids may as well tuck me in) and am up at an hour that most people consider the middle of the night. People seriously groan when I tell them when I get up. Nevertheless, I have my coffee, my laptop and a fire going; it’s the coziest and quietest time of my day. I require this self-care time in my nest before I go out into the universe and use my super-hero powers to help pry ED off of my clients...
Kickin' It With Glennon Doyle Melton (Sort of)
A little back story for you on how Glennon and I became BFF’s. A few years ago I read her New York Times bestselling book, Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life. In her book, she shares stories on her recovery from bulimia and alcoholism, a rocky start to her marriage and the challenge of raising three children in a universe that prefers us not to talk about the ‘messier’ parts of our lives. Her delivery is so vulnerable, raw and hilarious that you feel you know her by heart.
Calming Comparisons
Whispers
I declared 2016 to be my year of Vulnerability and Transformation. This means many things for me personally, but for you and me, it means I will be writing to you. Little letters sprinkled here and there as an offering to you and a reminder that we are all in this together. Hopefully this will soften the edges of the utter aloneness that you feel when restrained by an eating disorder. I am invested inYour Fully Recovered Self.
