Recovered: a Poem About Being Reunited With Soul, Self, and Sisterhood

Photo Credit: ©Angie Viets

Out of control.
Tethered to terror.
Everything that once was is no longer.

Sad, scared, deeply ashamed.
Desperate to hold onto something real.
Something to comfort and soothe.
Someone. Something. Anything.

Please help me escape this pain.
The not knowing.
The never-ending loneliness.
The deep, hollow feeling in my stomach.  

Alone. Unsure. Unsafe.
I turned in circles trying to grasp onto
something more solid than myself.
And then you came.
Rescuing me from…me.

The perfect antidote to my suffering.
Your predictability, reliability, and steady
presence tricked me into thinking I’d
found just the right place to rest.
You offered the gift of security in
my broken, battered world.

You occupied my every thought.
I could forget all the hurt
and perpetual sadness.
I had you, my ever-loyal companion.

The day marked forever in my mind.
The day I realized I was trapped by you.
Suffocating. Silent.
Utterly consumed and confined.

No matter how hard I tried to escape
the prison you so carefully locked me in,
I got more lost and less found.
Defeated and depressed.

I came to you for a safe place to hide
from myself and my broken heart.
You gave me just what I needed.
Or so it seemed.

I guess that’s what makes the goodbye so hard.
But I’m picking myself up now.
I’m determined, yet unsure of the way.
I can’t go back to where I left off.
Just forward towards what will be.

My mind unable to find the way;
I close my eyes and allow my soul
to guide and illuminate the path ahead.

Despite the harm you inflicted,
the damage you did to my body and spirit,
I still want to thank you.
I bow to you in deep reverence.
Somehow you got me through the wreckage.

But I’m saying goodbye now.
This goodbye is not temporary;
you are no longer welcome in my sacred self.

I assume you will try to return;
attempting to lure me in with false promises.
Yet I assure you I’m wise to your ways now,
and I will gently shut and lock the door.

Eventually you’ll give up on me.
Preying and prying your way into another unsuspecting soul.
They too will come to know you by name
and eventually usher you out as well.

My silent prayer,
my hope, my wish,
is that someday you’ll give up entirely.
You’ll see that we now rely on each other;
this tribe of us once lost now found
United. Mended. And completely whole.

Collectively we are saying goodbye.
Hands and hearts entwined.
We are rising together.
Softer and stronger.
Wise and awakened.
Fully, completely, alive.

To our beloved sisters unsaved,
we honor you.
We acknowledge your bravery and courage
to fight, what often seemed impossible.
We carry you with us.
We shine your light.
We remember you.
Always. Forever.

Seriously, Let's End The War With Our Bodies

Photo Credit: Catherine McMahon

Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Studies have shown that 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their weight and 42% are actively trying to lose weight by dieting and/or exercising.¹'³ These strategies rarely produce lasting weight loss. In fact, the vast majority of people who lose weight by dieting will regain it - often plus some. This type of yo-yo dieting can be harmful to one’s health.⁴

So why do Americans keep putting themselves through the deprivation associated with dieting if it doesn’t work and is potentially harmful?  Perhaps a shift in mindset could break this cycle of “insanity.”

The Health At Every Size (HAES) approach argues that health is related to a person’s behaviors, not their weight.¹'² For example, a person can be “normal” weight and have high blood pressure, and a person can be “over” weight and have normal blood pressure. Interestingly, individuals classified as “overweight” based on their BMI live the longest, while those who are classified as “obese” have the same lifespan as “normal” weight individuals. Dieting has been associated with worsened physical and psychological outcomes, while HAES has been shown to improve them.  

Dieting Approach¹'²

• Increased appetite
• Frequent obsessive thoughts about food
• Increased risk of depression
• Emotional overeating
• Weight loss followed by weight regain
• Reduced self-esteem

HAES Approach¹'²

• Intuitive eating
• Improved psychological functioning
• Improved cholesterol levels
• Reduced overeating
• Maintenance of set-point weight
• Body acceptance and improved self-esteem

By focusing on health rather than weight, a person is able to break out of the cycle of dieting and care for their body in a loving and compassionate way. Dieting and trying to force the body to lose weight or look a certain way is the opposite of this. It is a way of fighting against the body. When a person cares for their body they treat it with kindness and respect — THIS is what HAES is all about.  

It’s ok if you’re having a hard time wrapping your mind around this. After all, it goes against everything our society teaches us. It may even go against what your doctor tells you. The truth is, you CAN be healthy without focusing on your weight. When you are taking care of your body and engaging in healthful behaviors, your weight will land where it is genetically meant to, without you needing to control it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and this genetic diversity in humans is not only biologically advantageous, but it is beautiful. It makes each of us unique in our own skin.  

Are you ready to end the war against your body? Are you ready for a mindset shift? If so, learn more about the HAES approach by visiting Linda Bacon's website and check out her resources.

References:

1. Provencher et al. Health-At-Every-Size and Eating Behaviors: 1-Year Follow-Up of a Size Acceptance Intervention.  Journal of the American Dietetic Association. 2009;109:1854-61.

2. Bacon L, Aphramor L.  Weight Science: Evaluating the Evidence for a Paradigm Shift.  Nutrition Journal. 2011;10:9.

3. NEDA Information and Referral Helpline. Statistics: Eating Disorders and their Precursors. www.NationalEatingDisorders.org. Accessed May 10, 2012.

4. Montani J-P, et al.  Weight cycling during growth and beyond as a risk factor for later cardiovascular diseases: the ‘repeated overshoot’ theory. International Journal of Obesity. 2006;30:S58-S66.

Katy Harvey, RD is a Certified Eating Disorder Registered Dietitian (CEDRD) from Kansas City.  She has an outpatient private practice where she helps individuals heal their relationship with food, exercise and their body. She also blogs at Katy’s Blog.

How You Can Learn to Listen to Your Gut in Recovery

Photo Credit: Eli DeFaria

Gut reaction. Gut feeling. Gut instinct. These common phrases express the idea of inner knowing, also called intuition or inner wisdom. Our “guts” speak to us about our physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs. They hold our natural brilliance.

Unfortunately, for many of us healing from an eating disorder, we don’t have much tolerance for our gut. The gut, or stomach, is a body part that evokes shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing. It’s a part that many devote lifetimes to trying to shrink, hide, or control. Our social and cultural beliefs that the gut or “tummy” is a body part that must be tamed triples the challenge for individuals in recovery to fight off gut shame and urges to changes his or her body through restricting, dieting, bingeing, purging, over exercise, or deadly combinations of all these behaviors.

Beyond the negative physical connotations of “gut,” is the very real and serious disconnect that happens between our minds, bodies, and spirits when we numb out with eating disorder thoughts and behaviors. We become more and more removed from our gut feelings, instincts, and reactions, unable to know or appropriately respond to what we truly need. We lose touch with how to nourish our bodies, minds, hearts, souls, and brains. We lose touch with our inner brilliance.

Luckily, this intelligent guiding wisdom does not disappear, even when we are at our lowest points. With practice and commitment, we can turn to our gut reactions, feelings, and instincts to guide us through the daily challenges of recovery. To do so, we must carve out time and space to tune into our needs and hear what our guts have to say rather than tame our truths, feelings, needs, desires, and right to live with a happy heart.

Letting go of taming my gut physically and emotionally is something that I’ve been working at for a long time. One thing that has helped me is practicing “tuning in” to my inner wisdom. I need space, time, and quiet to clear out the old tapes, beliefs, and other mental clutter to be able to tune into my gut and then take action to fulfill my needs. When my head is spinning about food, my body, a relationship, a decision I have to make, or another stressor, I find a quiet place within and ask myself one key question: What do I know to be true about what I need right now?

I find I can answer that question most truthfully when I do quiet practices that encourage presence such as yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises. If I am in a social situation and feel unsure or overwhelmed (which is when I usually am most likely to become disconnected from my gut), I bring my attention to my breathing and intentionally slow it down. I rest my mind on my inhale and exhale and hear in my mind: What do I know to be true about what I need right now?

I continue to ask myself this question until an answer bubbles to the surface. This simple question has been a game changer because it empowers me to tune into my true and brilliant voice versus old tapes or vestiges of the eating disorder. I encourage you to ask yourself this question or one like it to begin getting in the habit of tuning in and trusting your gut.

You might take time when you first wake up to be still and quiet and listen to your gut. Pausing before a meal or workout or other times in the day that run the risk of going in the opposite direction of what you truly need is a beautiful opportunity to tune to your inner brilliance. You might be surprised by how easily some of the answers come to you. With practice, you will become more familiar with your needs and build up the inner resilience to trust your gut and live from pure inner brilliance.

Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, RYT 500 is a yoga teacher and yoga therapist specializing in eating disorders and body image. In recovery herself, Jennifer is extremely passionate about helping others reconnect with their bodies and be empowered in their lives. She also teaches yoga at the Monte Nido Eating Disorder Center of Philadelphia and is a partner with the Yoga and Body Image Coalition. She leads trauma-sensitive yoga classes and teaches weekly flow yoga classes. Jennifer contributes regularly to several eating disorder and body image blogs and the YogaLiving Magazine. Connect with Jennifer.

Beyond Body Image: What Recovery is Really About

Photo Credit: Issara Willenskomer

How many times in recovery have we heard “it’s not about weight. It’s not about the size. Your disorder is really not about your body at all.”? We are told to throw our scales away, never let the doctor show us our weight when we go for a checkup, encouraged not to exercise during recovery, to buy new jeans in more “realistic” sizes… I remember doing these things in my early recovery days and thinking everyone was full of it. They were clearly all in in cahoots to make me completely lose awareness and control of myself. To make me stop caring about my body so I could be 'fat and happy'.

I realize now that this was all so difficult and incomprehensible at the time because, at the time, it was about all of those things (in my sick mind at least). It was, but it wasn’t. It was smoke and mirrors, but I wasn’t ready to see that yet.

As a therapist now, I do it too—I tell my clients that knowing their weight will not do them any good. I remind them that their body is literally crying out for nourishment and energy.

And then I hear myself say that what they are struggling with really has nothing to do with their weight or size at all...it’s a twisted facade to cover up the insecurities, pain, fear, and lack of control going on far beyond anything to do with their physical body image. They’ve got “eating disorder goggles” glued to their faces.

Sometimes, for those who are ready to look beneath the binds that hold them, I get a look of relief that says “tell me more”. But usually, I get a deer in headlights look, a blank stare, or, especially the teens, a thoroughly annoyed eye roll. And that’s okay! Neither response is right or wrong, they simply reflect two very different phases of recovery. I think back to my earlier self, and I get it.

It’s interesting because the illness, the disease, the life vs. death reality all have everything to do with physical factors—but the recovery itself, the true, sustainable, the genuine recovery takes an immensely significant and difficult perspective shift of what really matters...and of what is real. No wonder body image is arguably one of the most difficult parts of recovery.

Something really stuck with me during a presentation last week by Dr. Guadiani of the Guadiani Clinic, and Lyn Goldring, VP of Nursing at Monte Nido. They were discussing the unique jobs of nurses, doctors and other clinicians in the eating disorder treatment field, and Lyn spoke of the invariable truth that sometimes, our most important task is to simply bear witness. I felt like she was speaking directly to me. She was so right, and I so badly needed that humbling reminder.

Recovery is a funny thing. I firmly believe that all the time, it is about feeding the soul. All the time, it is about relationships and boundaries. All the time, it is about self-esteem, control, attachment, and belonging. All the time, it is about so much more than what it seems.

But, in eyes and the mind of a hurting, broken, confused girl, sometimes, it is about the food. Sometimes, it is about the body. My job is not to try to convince anyone otherwise, but to hear, respect, and honor my clients, wherever they may be.

I will remind you, I will show you the light, I will bear witness and be a witness to the beautiful and hopeful realities of recovery. But you must walk towards that light, throw away that scale, try on those new jeans, and choose to trust the process in order to really get there. The mission is not to lose awareness of your body or to lose control so you stop caring. It’s quite the opposite. But it’s one of those things that is so hard to explain, yet so powerful to experience.

Body image is about so much more than the physical, tangible, measurable aspects of the body. And it is undoubtedly something that all women struggle with to some extent. I have lots more to say about this topic, so stay tuned, beautiful girl. And don’t give up.

Rachel Daggett, MS, MFTI is a Wellness and Recovery Coach and a Registered Therapist Intern. She has a private practice in Manhattan Beach, CA, and strives to be an active force of empowerment and love in the community. Through struggling with her own eating disorder and journey of healing, and now being recovered, she has become an advocate for eating disorder recovery and mental health. Rachel has a Masters degree in Psychology, and believes in the importance of caring for the mind, body, heart, and soul as a whole. Rachel is a yogi, a dog-mom, a beach-girl at heart, and has recently started studying the natural healing power of essential oils. Visit her website. 

Beyond the Scale: How to Focus on More Important Things in Life

Photo Credit: Braden Barwich

As many people with an eating disorder or weight issues will tell you, we tend towards the obsessive in one way or another. That’s part of the reason we’re facing this challenge in the first place—we obsess about food and then obsess about hiding our issues with food, at the very least. So any discussion about someone facing an issue with food such as Binge Eating Disorder, like me, has to start with the understanding that it all starts with obsession. It’s important for people to know that eating disorders are NOT about the food, they’re about fixation and control.

Such was the case in my life until very recently. Obsession is what fueled my day, my week, my month and led to my battle with BED, from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. I was forever focused on what I was going to eat in five minutes, five hours and five days, as well as how I was going to cover my tracks and do all this without anyone knowing about it.

I obsessed about my weight as well. As if a number can tell you how much you are worth! I reduced everything down to that three digit number after I binged. The high number fueled the shame I felt, and it fueled me when I was starving myself in between binges.

I spent a lot of time on that emotional tightrope, but I am taking big steps toward conquering my eating disorder. That’s why for 2017 and beyond I have made a decision: No more looking to a scale for validation. I am NOT going to weigh myself ever again.

I simply don’t give space to it in my life. I can’t. It offers nothing—not validation or comfort or a sense of accomplishment. It knows nothing about me and how awesome I am in other ways. So, instead, I concern myself with larger issues, like being healthy, eating healthy, exercising, avoiding triggering situations--like late-night eating after drinking--and surrounding myself with people who won’t let me get away with abusing my body or being mean to myself.

I know now that I am much more than a number, and when my weight fluctuates, whether for bad or good, I know that I am worthy and strong and built for the long race. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and I am getting better and better at looking further into the distance while never breaking stride. That’s the way it’s been for me, and I recommend finding that inner strength in you. It’s the only way for us to get through while pursuing health, happiness, and real substance in our lives.

Taking that weight—no pun intended—off of my shoulders has freed me to live in the moment, to concentrate on being the best version of myself without worrying about meaningless, short-term details. I am free now from the shame and worry and guilt, and free to be positive and understand that I am a pretty resilient, substantial person who has shortcomings and talents.

I can live with all of that.

Ryan Sheldon is founder of Confessions of a Binge Eater, a blog he created to share about his journey with Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Ryan hopes his story will help others suffering from BED overcome shame and embarrassment, as well as gain back control over food. In particular, Ryan provides a voice for the many men struggling eating disorders while encouraging them to get help. Ryan is not your run-of-the-mill life coach. With an infectious personality, he uses both humor and education to help others facing adversary. Ryan finds when you add humor to a tough situation, it empowers you to stop feeling ashamed and start taking action. Join him on his journey through life with BED. For more information on Ryan, please visit his website.

10 Promises to My Children From Their Recovered Mother

Dear Beckett, Sophie & Sammy,

This is a special week for your momma and a lot of other people too. It’s a week where people speak up about a sickness that is very serious, but sometimes not talked about very much. You know I’m a psychotherapist (I know, I know, emphasis on psycho) and that I help people with eating disorders. I haven’t talked to you much about my work because it can...

be pretty hard to understand. When I come home tired, you make me smile as you remind me of your idea of what I do: “You just sit and talk to people all day! What’s so hard about that?” Daddy’s work is much easier for us to see as we can drive by the houses and businesses he has helped build. My work must seem sort of invisible when all you see is an office with comfy furniture. 

Since you guys are getting a little older, I wanted to tell you something that’s important about me. For seven years I had an eating disorder. I was very sick for a long time, mostly when I was in college, but I’m all better now. When I married daddy I was slowly getting healthier every day. Finally, I had something way bigger than my eating disorder to help motivate me - I wanted to be a mom. 

You see, I had been praying real hard to be a momma. It was my biggest dream since I was a little girl. I told my third grade class on ‘Career Day’ that when I was all grown up, I wanted to be a mom. When asked in graduate school what I planned to do with my degree, I pretty much answered the same way. I don’t think anybody was looking for that response, but it didn’t matter to me, because being your mom is my true calling (the thing I was meant to do while I’m here on earth). But I was really scared that, because I had been sick for so long, maybe my body wouldn’t work right anymore and that my dream might not come true. I promised myself that if I was able to get pregnant, I would lay down my eating disorder and fight as hard as I could, once and for all, to stay well for you guys and for myself. 

Want to know something really special?? The day I found out I was pregnant with Beckett, I committed to that big promise that I had secretly carried around in my heart. I’ve kept the promise for thirteen years and I’m really proud of myself for that, because it means I can really be here for you. 

Even though it was hard being sick for so long, something beautiful came from it. I learned that I have another very important calling that’s really meaningful to me. When I was sick, I had a hard time finding anyone to help me who really understood how to do so; eating disorders are tricky to heal. I wanted that to be different, even if only in a small way for other people. So daddy and I moved to the same college town where I was sick, and now, I help a lot of other college students get better. Every day I feel so lucky and blessed that I get to be your momma AND that I help other people get well.   

I’ve made some new promises along the way. Some of them may seem silly, but oh well, you know I’m kind of silly. 

1. You will never hear me order a ‘Skinny Latte’ from Starbucks. It’s just too stupid to say out loud and brings up unnecessary questions. 
2. When you want to order pizza and have a picnic in the living room, I will be the first to get it all set up and eat with you. Always. Because pizza is delicious! 
3. If you want to throw on swimsuits on the first warm day of summer and run through the sprinkler in our front yard, I’ll do it with you! I don’t feel the need to hide my body anymore. In fact, I’m really proud of the body I have, it helped me grow and feed you! 
4. You will never hear me complain about the way my body looks. The way I feel in my body and how I talk about it, has an even bigger impact on you than what I say to you about your body. I wish more moms knew this – maybe they would talk more lovingly about themselves. 
5. I refuse to be the mom who orders a salad, “Oh, and could you hold the croutons and cheese and put the dressing on the side.”  (If salads like this feel really nourishing and satisfying to you, great!  For me, a salad like this would feel restrictive.) Nor will I ever go on a cleanse, detox, or diet. I spent SEVEN long years doing that, and it’s so NOT FUN! What I eat, communicates a lot more to you than what I feed you. 
6. We will talk about what ‘sometimes’ foods are and what ‘always’ foods are and you will know the difference. I added this as a new promise when you came home and told me one of your friends said that McDonald’s makes people fat and you didn’t want to eat there anymore. Wait, what?? Sometimes as a mom, you have to do some deprogramming because other people and the media don’t always convey the truth.   There is no restaurant, or food that can ‘make you fat.’
7. I promise to show you that it’s important to move your body in ways that are fun and feel good to YOU. I won’t spend my time running away from myself in the form of over-exercising. It’s way more fun to play with the three of you anyway! But when you are upset that I’m leaving to go to yoga, I want you to know that it’s important for me to love and take care of my body, just as I love and take care of yours.
8. I will share with you what a powerful messenger your body is and encourage you to listen to it – like when it tells you to rest when you are sick or hurt, and how hard it fights to get well, all on its own. Our bodies are really cool that way!
9. Another new promise (as we pull through the carpool line after school). “Mom, what does it mean to have a six-pack?” (And yes, I needed to take a minute before we talked about this, because I was so upset that elementary-aged kids even have these conversations). You will be surrounded in this lifetime by conversations about weight and shape. It’s important for you to remember that we all have unique body types and comparing ourselves to others (really in any way) just doesn’t feel good. So, I will teach you how to turn the conversation away from this kind of talk, and move on to topics that relate to your friend’s insides, rather than focusing on their outsides.  Doesn’t that sound more fun?
10. We are going to talk a lot about how we mess up – every day. All of us, it’s just part of life. We need to get cozy with the idea of imperfection! Most importantly, I want YOU to know, in your heart, how wonderful, special, and amazing you are – because I’ve learned it’s not enough for me to think that about you, you need to believe it too. 

So, my sweet loves, those are some of the promises I hold in my heart, so I could stay better, and to help protect you from this illness. I’m not going to get it right all the time.  And that’s okay, too. I never promised to be a perfect mother. I figured out as I got better, that there really is no such thing as perfect. But then I had each of you, and wondered if that was really true. As I got to know you, I realized that much like me, you are perfectly imperfect.
 
I’m so grateful that I have the three of you and that I’m all BEDR (pronounced better, Beautifully Eating Disorder Recovered)!!

Love you with my whole heart,

Momma

What an Eating Disorder in Recovery Sounds Like

Photo Credit: Ravi Roshan

Wait… You’re not over that eating disorder yet?

During National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAwareness), I did a fair amount of preaching to the choir about early intervention. Presumably, some of it reached the general public, but since the overwhelming majority of my followers — if not all of them — are people who have been affected in some way by eating disorders, most weren’t new to this conversation.

That’s not a bad thing. This population needs education and awareness, too. However, a somewhat jarring conversation at work toward the end of NEDAwareness Week alerted me to the fact that I am very selective about when and where I divulge my eating disorder story. Perhaps I spend a little too much time with the choir instead of the rest of the congregation.

Basically, my immediate coworkers were discussing how guilty they felt about eating the pizza lunch we were surprised with that day and how much extra time they’d need to spend in the gym for it. Soon after that, another person made a comment directly to me about skipping the meal.

The conversation was neither atypical nor all that problematic. I probably took note of it only because 1) I have spidey-senses when it comes to these things, and 2) I was totally immersed in eating disorder chatter that week. To my knowledge, none of my coworkers struggle with eating disorders, so it’s unlikely that comments of that ilk will send them into downward spirals of self-loathing and self-abuse.

However, hearing it, being included in it, and then keeping quiet made me realize that despite my efforts to be an advocate and activist for all-things-mental-health, I have a selectivity problem:

It’s easy to talk about eating disorders and recovery with fellow sufferers/activists or when I’m in their presence; not so easy when I’m out here on my own.

I mean, I do talk about eating disorders in my “real life.” People know that I’ve struggled with this illness for a long time, that I had to take a lengthy medical leave to undergo treatment, and that I devote a substantial amount of my personal time (and vacation days) to mental health advocacy and activism. But as I listened to that conversation — and said nothing in response — I realized that, alongside my advocacy, I still harbor some shame about my illness, and I try to shrug off the struggle when things get too uncomfortable. Or I pretend I don’t hear… or that I don’t care.

That nonchalance speaks louder than what I write on the internet.

Let me make one thing very clear: I’m not saying that the people in my life are ignorant or insensitive. I’m also not saying that I need people to censor themselves in my presence.

My sole observation here is that I live a kind of “double life.” To all of you here in the blogosphere, I am someone battling daily to maintain my recovery. To everyone else in my “real world,” I am someone who had an eating disorder, but am doing much better now.

Time to clear that up.

What the eating disorder sounds like to me

Trigger warning: Mention of some eating disorder behaviors to follow

I’ve admitted before that in my “offline life,” I sometimes speak flippantly about my eating disorder (my struggle in particular, that is — I’d never want to cast anyone else’s battle as superficial or humorous). I do that out of self-defense and some embarrassment. I want people to believe that food is not a big deal for me. After all, it’s food — it is a completely unavoidable (and to most, enjoyable) part of being human.

But in fact, it’s a very big deal to me, and it’s the least humorous aspect of my life. It’s exhausting. It stresses my already-super-stressed husband. At times, it even seems to irritate my treatment team.

But the reality is that, more days than not, I’m still battling it. I have to work hard to stick to my meal plan and not give into “eating disorder thoughts.”

Mornings still begin with the urge to inspect every inch of my body to reassure myself that I haven’t magically inflated in the last 24 hours (particularly my stomach — which is problematic when, as a woman, bloating is part of life). Getting dressed can be a nightmare, because I still own many of the same clothes that I wore when I was anorexic (steep medical bills mean no wardrobe budget). Except now they fit, and putting them on usually sparks a bodily memory of how much bigger these clothes used to be — how much smaller I used to be. Usually, I end up changing into something else…and then something else after that…and then eventually find refuge in leggings and loose-fitting shirts.

And then there’s the meals… Breakfast usually goes okay, although I’ve yet to diversify beyond the same two “safe meals.” These two breakfasts guarantee that I’ll be hungry by lunchtime, because eating a meal before my stomach starts to growl still causes me anxiety — I rely on that growl to give me permission to eat, even though I know hunger manifests in other ways than physically feeling it.

Lunch is tricky, too, because if I don’t pack one (which I usually don’t, because my mornings get swallowed up by the mirror battles), then I struggle to figure out what to pick. What if dinner ends up being pasta? How will I know how many carbohydrates to include in my lunch? Should I just focus on lunch and then adjust at dinnertime? But wait, that’s not what normal people do — normal people go with the flow. They don’t pick their meals based on what they’re eating later on… or tomorrow…

But then OH CRAP there are cookies at this meeting… What do I do? If at that point I already had lunch, I don’t feel hungry, so I don’t want to eat one…..but if I haven’t had lunch yet, I worry that eating one will make me feel full before I can get to the “real” food…..then again, I don’t need to stick PRECISELY to my meal plan — I’m allowed to be a little over or a little under on a given day, because it all balances out in the end (or so I’m told)….it’s okay to just indulge in a cookie or two….but I’m not sure I even want one…..but what will everyone think if I don’t have one?…..what will they think if I do?

Then there are days when the anxiety is too much and I take the safest route possible at lunch: the emergency protein shake. My nutritionist and I have agreed on a particular brand that has sufficient calories and nutrients, and that feels safe to me because 1) I know precisely what is in it, and 2) it’s liquid, so I don’t feel as full as when I eat a real meal. But then I feel like a failure, because what kind of 27-year-old gets too anxious to eat solid food?

But I am a 27-year-old, and I live in New York City, so on top of everything else, the most common social venue among my friends is the bar. Then I really start to worry about how I’ve chosen my meals throughout the day, because I can’t always prepare ahead of time to account for the alcohol calories….but then, I shouldn’t do that anyway, because alcohol does NOT count in my meal plan, since alcohol calories are not nutritive and thus I’m not supposed to “compensate” for having drinks with friends. But if I don’t, then I’ll feel too full, and my entire focus will be on how uncomfortably big I feel whilst nevertheless ingesting even more. And uggghhhh….THEY’RE STILL CALORIES. THEY COUNT, DAMMIT.

And god forbid I encounter a scale……….

THAT’S what I weigh??? Why hasn’t anyone told me?! Oh my GOD, HAS THIS BEEN TRUE THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!

Then there’s the iPhone 6 I just got, which apparently has a STEP TRACKER built into the software….and I know I shouldn’t look at that, because whatever number it registers is going to lodge in my head and stay there until I meet that 10,000-steps-a-day goal that everyone swears is so critical for health and fitness and (more important) maintaining weight….but then, what the heck? THAT’S my average daily step count?? I live in New York City for pete’s sake…..

The long road of re-habituation

There are still so many automatic thoughts and behaviors. I see cookies at the meeting and automatically bark at myself, “Stop it. Get in control of yourself. You can’t have that.” Then I catch myself, and I remind myself that I have a New Philosophy to internalize: starving is not a mark of discipline or strength; real strength is saying “no” to the eating disorder — to eat even when it viscerally feels like you are doing something wrong, because you’ve spent half your life training your brain to respond that way.

Often, though, that narrative just makes me feel more ashamed, because there are still times when I don’t tell it “no.” Sometimes I take the easy way out, because I just don’t have the energy to contravene such strong internal urging. And what is the implication of that, seeing as I’m teaching myself that true strength lies in disobeying the eating disorder?

The implication is that I’m weak. Powerless. Undisciplined. Selfish.

Sometimes I wish there were a brain surgery I could undergo — something that would explode the part of my neural network that has come to seek starvation, rewire my motivation and volition, and get the reward centers to light up for food instead.

No such surgery exists, of course. So I just have to persist in the long, arduous process of re-habituation. A habit that runs up against cultural messages about diet and weight-loss… messages that run up against all my therapies that tell me to listen to my body…. therapies that run up against my internal urges to just do things the way I’ve always done them…. urges that run up against my animal instincts that insist THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS “NOT EATING” BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PROPAGATE THE SPECIES, YOU DOLT.

This is the average climate in my mind.

What’s scary, though, is that I really am doing much, much better.

So just think about how it was before…

Joanna Kay is a New York City writer and social media professional in recovery from a 14-year battle with anorexia. She is the author of The Middle Ground, a blog that chronicles the period between completing treatment and reaching full recovery. Having encountered many hurdles accessing treatment, she also writes frequently about insurance coverage and other urgent issues facing eating disorder patients. Joanna is a mental health advocate with the National Eating Disorders Association and writes and speaks widely about the recovery process. Visit her blog.

3 Steps to Quieting the Food Police

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

If you are struggling with an eating disorder or are a chronic dieter, you know very well how loud the food police can become. It lives in your mind and imposes food rules and regulations, it judges every choice and it inflicts feelings of guilt and shame. The food police (which some refer to as the ED voice) can truly fuel our disordered thoughts and keep us from recovering. However, as with any issue that involves your brain, silencing this voice is not as easy as it seems. It takes a lot of practice, patience, and commitment. Here are 3 steps to help you quiet the Food Police.

1. Be Curious About Your Thoughts

Whenever you are confronted with thoughts around food, try to distinguish who is speaking: you or the food police. When we understand the food police is talking, we are then in a position to challenge it. Gaining awareness of our situation is often the first step to making any meaningful change. In the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, this is called being a « Food Anthropologist ». It comes down to being a neutral observer. To help with this, you may want to keep a journal and write down the different thoughts that come up.

2.  Ask Yourself If The Thought Is Helpful, Kind and True

Once you’ve noticed the messages you are replaying in your mind about food, ask yourself:

·      Is this thought helpful? Is it helping me move towards happiness and wellbeing?

·      Is this thought kind? Does it consider my unique situation?

·      Is this thought true? What proof do I have to support this idea?

3. Decide To Reject What Does Not Serve You

Once you’ve identified the thoughts that are not helpful, kind or true, mindfully decide to reject them. Better yet, replace them with an idea that counters this thought. After years of struggling with food, it takes a lot of time to undo the automatic thoughts we’ve come to learn. It can be helpful to experience self-compassion through this process. After all, we never invited the food police, it was forced upon us by a variety of different factors, including diet culture and a society obsessed with food and impossible beauty standards.

The food police can truly be a jerk, but there is hope. While you work towards shutting it down, it will slowly become quieter and quieter. Take things one step at a time and don’t forget to love yourself throughout the process.

Josée Sovinsky is a passionate Registered Dietitian working in a community setting in Toronto, Ontario. After facing her own struggles with disordered eating during her degree, she developed a strong interest in helping those affected by eating disorders and mental illness. She decided to learn more about intuitive and mindful eating, body acceptance and Health at Every Size®, which now strongly guide her work. She dreams of a world free from mental health stigma, body shaming, and disordered eating. When she is not helping others make peace with food, she enjoys baking, photography and doing yoga in her living room. Visit Josée's website and connect with her on social media.

3 Yoga-Inspired Ways To Deal With Triggering People, Places & Things

Photo Credit

We all have people in our lives who challenge our patience and test our resolve. No matter how kindly you have asked them to not discuss certain topics or refrain from making certain comments, these individuals don't ever seem to get the message. Or, it's the case of being at work or a social event and having no choice but to endure triggering conversations.

It's the worst, right? 

I've been there. Like the time someone brought me chocolate covered pretzels as a gift while in inpatient treatment for an eating disorder! For REAL! Oh, I could go on and on. And I am sure you could, too.

But here's the thing about "going on and on:" we get charged up, aggravated, and thrown off our center. Our minds spin with negativity as we relive, ruminate, and rehearse the past. This is not to say we should not feel what we need to feel to heal. We must do that important work too. But we must also learn how to remain present and peaceful to protect ourselves from the side effects of triggering people, places, and things.

Join My Growing Team of Contributors

Join the Tribe

My yoga practice has taught me some very helpful skills for dealing with triggering people, settings, and conversations. These yoga-inspired approaches are challenging because they ask us to be kind when we are provoked, grounded when we are revved up, and calm when we are flustered. Yet, they are also extremely freeing, because we learn we can choose to not make someone's ignorance or insensitivity about us ("It's not me, it's you" is what I mean here.) 

Here are 3 yogic ways that I use to stay present and peaceful when I am in a triggering situation. I want to share what I've learned and what helps me with the sincere hope that they help you as well.

No. 1: Stay neutral

Yoga philosophy teaches that the more neutral we can remain in our lives, the less we will suffer. For example, think of a yoga pose that physically challenges you. Visualize yourself in the pose. Now notice: What's your attitude in the pose? Are you holding your breath or breathing with ease? Are you counting down for the pose to be over or are you able to rest your mind on your breath and be calm? Are you miserable or unaffected and open to what is? When we hold a sense of calm in a pose, our physical, emotional and mental dispositions are more toward neutral than when we are panting and impatient.

This same idea applies off the mat, too. When we are reactive to a person, place, or thing, we tend to be the opposite of neutral. To be neutral does not suggest we should not care. Instead, neutral means not being over or underwhelmed with emotion. We sort of settle into the moment and "just be." When you sense yourself getting worked up and you feel stress settle in your body (perhaps in your neck or shoulders or arms) and your mind starts to spin, that's the time to shift from distress to a more neutral zone. To do this, purposefully relax tense areas of your body and repeat "I am neutral" or just simply "neutral" to yourself over and over until you sense yourself calming down. You might also firmly ground your feet into the floor or your hands into one another and take a few deep breaths to help create neutrality in your body.

No. 2: Exhale often and with gusto

Deep breathing is great, magical even when dealing with stress. But sometimes we need to let off some steam. To do that peacefully, let out a good, strong sigh. Exhale like you mean it. I sigh ALL the time. Even when I am feeling happy. Sighing is an easy way to release, reconnect with self, and clean out stagnant thoughts and emotions, like frustration and irritation.  

No. 3: Wish others well

I have found the yogic path of love--also called bhakti yoga--to be a helpful practice when I am with challenging people. This yogic path focuses on the emotional nature of relationships with ourselves and others, and it teaches about how to balance strong emotional states—such as sadness, fear, worry, anxiety and so forth. To smooth out these dips in mood, or become more neutral, one way you can practice bhakti yoga is by simply wishing others well. It is a simple practice, and the intention behind it is virtuous. I am not suggesting you say these words (I wish you well) directly to the people who are driving you crazy. Rather, this is a quiet practice meant only for you to hear. It cultivates positivity within and extends goodness without. Praying for others creates the same energetic goodness. When you feel triggered, try pausing to send out goodness to the person who is instigating you. Simply say in your mind, "I wish you well." Repeat this mantra to yourself until you feel less agitated and more good will within. Doing so will calm your nervous system and balance out stress-producing emotions. 

These yogic approaches will not change a blessed thing about the person or situation that is causing you angst. Instead, they will strengthen your relationship with yourself, because you will feel empowered to peacefully handle triggering moments. When we build and nurture that kind of trust with ourselves, we learn how to lead our lives rather than ping pong between people, places and things that we feel we have to guard against. We ultimately learn to wish ourselves well

Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, RYT 500 is a yoga teacher and yoga therapist specializing in eating disorders and body image. In recovery herself, Jennifer is extremely passionate about helping others reconnect with their bodies and be empowered in their lives. She also teaches yoga at the Monte Nido Eating Disorder Center of Philadelphia and is a partner with the Yoga and Body Image Coalition. She leads trauma-sensitive yoga classes and teaches weekly flow yoga classes. Jennifer contributes regularly to several eating disorder and body image blogs and the YogaLiving Magazine. Connect with Jennifer.

6 Key Steps to Getting Back on Track After Relapse in Recovery

Tanya was 14 when she developed an eating disorder. A few months later she was admitted to a residential treatment program and upon returning home did outpatient treatment with a therapist, dietitian and her doctor for the duration of high school. Tanya went off to college stable in her recovery. She met a few times with the local therapist and dietitian, but felt like she was managing well enough on her own. The relapse didn’t happen all at once. It gradually and subtly occurred over time. By the end of her sophomore year she was back in the throws of the eating disorder and knew she needed help.

This story is so common, where someone is in recovery from their eating disorder for a period of time and then relapses. It may be after weeks, months, years or even decades. Sometimes, the relapse is sudden and obvious, and other times it is gradual and covert.  

Remember this: There is no shame in relapsing. You did not do anything wrong. You have not failed.  

Relapse is a common part of the recovery process. In fact, sometimes relapse is a blessing in disguise because it comes with gifts of wisdom. It is often a signal that you have needs that aren’t being met.  

Here are 5 key steps for getting back on track:

1. Acknowledge that you have relapsed and need help. This may be the hardest thing to do, so give yourself compassion.  

2. Seek professional support. Get back in with your treatment team, or connect with a new treatment team, as soon as possible. This means therapist, dietitian, and medical doctor. You need these professionals to assess the situation and guide you. I know it sounds like a lot, but they all bring a different perspective to the table.  

3. Get on a meal plan. The meal plan is the glue that is going to hold your recovery together. It not only gives your body the physical nourishment it needs to function properly; it also gives your brain the fuel to think clearly and manage your emotions. Right now the food is literally your medicine — which is ironic when it is also the thing the eating disorder is most afraid of. Talk to your dietitian about these fears. She or he will help you come up with a meal plan that safely meets what your body needs right now.

4. Be curious. Relapse is usually the symptom of more fundamental problems in a person’s life. The eating disorder swoops in as a coping mechanism. What are you coping with? What are you feeling and needing outside of anything related to food and weight? Don’t judge these needs, just notice them. It’s also ok if you aren’t sure what your needs are right now. Your therapist can help you with this.

5. Be open. Trust that your team has your best interests in mind and wants you to be happy and healthy. Be open-minded to their recommendations. They may recommend a higher level of care, such as intensive outpatient (IOP) or inpatient/residential treatment, depending on the severity of your symptoms. They may recommend taking a break from things such as work or school. 

“Often times relapse requires you to step back and take a time-out to reassess the situation and make strategic decisions so your life supports lasting recovery.”

6. Be aware. Keep in mind that part of what caused your eating disorder in the first place is an underlying genetic predisposition or susceptibility to the illness. You will always have this because you can’t change your genetics. Be aware that you will be vulnerable to relapse for the rest of your life, and this means you must be on the lookout for signs of relapse. It is so much easier to get back on track the earlier you catch yourself slipping.  

Relapse happens. Give yourself grace and compassion, and get back on track. Recovery is worth the effort.  

Katy Harvey, RD is a Certified Eating Disorder Registered Dietitian (CEDRD) from Kansas City.  She has an outpatient private practice where she helps individuals heal their relationship with food, exercise and their body. She also blogs at Katy’s Blog.

Artwork Credit

Yes, Recovery Really Does Get Better

Photo Credit: Kate Williams

Pushing Through the Final Phases of Recovery

I haven’t written in a while, you might have noticed. I relapsed, and I was too ashamed to admit it here.

It was a quick, steep backslide, and the trigger was very specific: I weighed myself. I went home for Christmas and encountered a scale. I thought I could handle the number. I couldn’t.

I freaked out. My nutritionist dissected my meal plan in order to show me I wasn’t eating excessive amounts. We discussed the natural fluctuation in weight that bodies undergo. We even discussed weight loss and how it’s not necessarily eating disordered for people to decide to lose a few pounds — provided that there is an actual goal in mind, you don’t lose weight despite having no physical resources to spare, and you don’t withhold nourishment your body needs.

Looking back, I realize no one actually gave me a green light to lose weight. We were only speaking theoretically. But all I heard was “not inherently a problem…” and off I went.

Do Not Underestimate a Relapse

The severity of an eating disorder is never undone. Every relapse brings you right back where you left off, and so you resume the old behaviors and then go a little further. The good news is that recovery, too, is never undone. So, each relapse is just a little bit easier to bounce back from.

But that’s why relapses can be quite dangerous — you think that you’ll “just skip that one meal,” or do whatever it is that your eating disorder demands, and it’ll be no big deal. Or you think that the consequences can’t be THAT BAD, because my god, how many times have you done that before? Why would this time be any different?

(You can hear the eating disorder in all that “reasoning,” right?)

Eating disorders don’t work like that. Your body doesn’t work like that. Even if you think any damage you might inflict will be minimal, your body nonetheless suffers from the cumulative effect of years of abuse.

Long story short, my treatment team didn’t waste time waiting for me to see the light. A plan was promptly put in place to begin a meal support program at Columbus Park Collaborative alongside bi-weekly medical management (blood draws, weigh-ins, heart monitoring, and so on).

That is what I’ve been doing for exactly one month today.

30 Days Symptom-Free: I Feel… Better?

I feel a bit apprehensive saying this, but… I am doing so much better.

I don’t just mean “better” in terms symptom reduction, because lord knows I’ve beaten symptoms into remission before. Something feels different this time around. Something is working. The insights, the skills, the goals, and so on have abruptly started to make sense to me. Finally, after two and half years, the recovery behaviors that I’ve been studying and practicing feel less like awkward, isolated gestures, and more like one cohesive movement.

Or maybe — to use a more personally meaningful metaphor — it feels like finally understanding a foreign language. I’m moving from merely memorizing vocabulary and grammar to speaking more freely and fluently. The words no longer feel as awkward on my tongue. Sometimes I even manage to think in this new language.

I’ve had important insights these last few weeks about my own journey and how the eating disorder functions in my life. There’s too much for one blog post. But I will note that I can think of at least one difference between this time and all my other treatment/recovery attempts. It has many names among the various recovery communities. I’ve heard it called surrender, as well as trust. But I’ve been calling it “faith” — an unusual word choice for me, since that word is laden with a religiosity that I’m not actually applying here.

Whatever one calls it, it is absolute faith in the process. It is the final (I hope, anyway) acknowledgment that my way does not, never has, and will not ever bring me inner peace.

It is the belief that there is some other, better lifestyle beyond the one I’ve been inhabiting.

Most important, it’s the recognition that I can access that desirable lifestyle, but only if I start doing things radically different than I’ve been doing them. This means eating meals and snacks, reaching out for help even when it feels uncomfortable or intrusive, and being curious instead of neurotic about my own feelings.

It means facing every fear every time because that’s the only way I’ll surmount them.

What Comes After Anorexia?

This sounds overwhelming — and sometimes it is — but, ironically, this approach has become for me the wall that protects me from past failures and future fears. It makes me so hyper-focused on doing the next right thing that I am able to put aside any and all thoughts of failure.

Keeping that intentionally nearsighted faith allowed me to battle through that initial, panicked period of contravening old habits and behaviors and forcing myself to go against my own inclinations. And that’s what I did — I went against every urge, every time. No exceptions. And believe me, that was really-really-really-effing-hard. But I did it. 

Apparently, there is indeed another, much nicer, side to that experience if you don’t quit halfway through.

Perhaps it is because I’m realizing that there isn’t much more my eating disorder can threaten to take away from me… things can’t get much worse by trying all that I’ve been afraid to try in recovery. So, I’ve entered this space in which I’ve given myself permission to keep doing the “recovered” thing to do, with the reasoning that I might as well give this my all and worry about what that means when and if it comes to that.

I’m not sure I’ve ever done that before, given that I’m finding myself in this pleasantly unfamiliar space. It’s a little quieter here, a little more hopeful. Perhaps this is what’s just past the halfway mark of the middle ground.

Perhaps that’s what it takes to make that extra push forward: single-minded, unrelenting faith in the process you’ve been taught.

I’ll let you know, I guess.

Joanna Kay is a New York City writer and social media professional in recovery from a 14-year battle with anorexia. She is the author of The Middle Ground, a blog that chronicles the period between completing treatment and reaching full recovery. Having encountered many hurdles accessing treatment, she also writes frequently about insurance coverage and other urgent issues facing eating disorder patients. Joanna is a mental health advocate with the National Eating Disorders Association and writes and speaks widely about the recovery process. Visit her blog.